The Divine Mr. M

~Even though it is the middle of the day, I'm the only one in this house awake now. Le-Le and all the kitties sleep. It is bright and sunny outside, but the wind is cold and it's blowing and howling like it was midnight on the fucking moors.

Mercury went Retrograde on Saturday night around half eleven. I could feel it when I woke up a few hours later. With all the political insanity that is coming to boil, I think something is going to pop. I thought I 'knew' what, but now I am uncertain. But something is coming and, given all the players, it will probably be pretty fucking awful.

I am emotionally drained and fighting off my usual Holiday Depression. I tried working on The Liber, but right now I simply do not have it in me. I've also realized it needs more work than I'd been thinking. Whole sections need serious editing /sigh

Anyway, that's my story for now and I'm sticking to it...

~Today was brutal. Made it up to 112°. Just after it got light Le-Le and I put the old AC unit back in her bedroom window for the first time in three years. The heat has been so bad, much hotter than it usually is, that she was rightly worried about getting an MS attack.

That knocked the shit outta both of us. But the AC had helped. All the cats had been laid out in the hallway under the swamp cooler. Now they're all hiding in her room. LOL

Le-Le just rolled back into bed and I will after my BFC [Breakfast Cycle; coffee, fruit or yogurt, a PBJ, various supplements and meds] Need to go down to Lancaster to WinCo as the cupboards are bare. And need to do that before shit starts to cook, though only 105° predicted for today.

Oy....

~In the past week and half I have found myself hip deep in local Rosamond politics, specifically a bitter recall election drive. I didn't look for it, it found me, largely because of my Political Trolling on a local FB community. Of course, being the Political Junkie I am, I jumped right in.

But I pushed myself too hard as usual and finally crashed two days ago, nearly puking from exhaustion and the heat on a rare visit to the bank. And then I was so overtired, I could not sleep properly. So yesterday afternoon I took one of Le-Le's muscle relaxers, you know, the ones that knock me flat on my ass for like 36 hours, and went to bed.

That did the trick. I slept from 3ish PM until half past two in the morning. Then I did my Breakfast Cycle and was back in bed by 6AM. I figured I'd sleep another two to four hours. I woke up at 2:47PM. I slept so hard I don't even feel to usual fuzziness from the muscle relaxer, which 'should' have lasted another half a day.

Anyway, I suppose this is really only important to me, which is why I'm blogging it....

...and there you are.

~Emotionally, I'm all over the map, though my baseline is 'okay'. Been a month since my father's death. Feels like a year. I didn't get depressed over my birthday this year, but that might be because my father's death muddied those waters. I did cry over Martin Milner's death. Maybe something about the 'death of my youth'. Dunno. Again, muddied waters.

I've been writing fairly consistently, though not in great volume, maybe two/three hundred words a day, on my novella for Part Seven – “One Possible Future”. I've posted much of that text there already if any of you are interested.

I'm also waiting on my Writer's Blues, the window when I crash after Facing The Page for any length of time. Be nice if those waters got muddied as well....

...end transmission.

~We're in the end of the month and doing okay. I'm doing better than I was at the beginning of June, but I'm not really okay. It seems that after each of these periods of stress I recover a little bit less of myself than the time before, that I am left physically and emotionally diminished by the event.

We all starting dying after a certain age, but it feels like I am now dying faster...

...and I'm afraid I'm going to die with my most important work left unfinished.

~We're up to $230. [Thanx LJ in TX] We need at least another $200 by the first weekend in June [when we'll have all our monthlies] in order not to go in the hole buying a new fridge.

I have thought about using the money we already have to fix it, but we put $163 into it at the beginning of March and I suspect there are more 'failures' waiting just around the bend – it's an old rehabbed fridge – so I figure the best bet is to hang on and get a new one.

Our Fridge is FREEZING EVERYTHING! http://www.gofundme.com/u38e62js

~Autumn has arrived and with it comes thoughts of Death and my Annual Review of My Entire Life, a robust blend of Nostalgia, Bitterness and Morose Regret, much of that centered around all the women who've been in said Life.

This started out as an Her Prophet Speaks post, but I soon realized this was largely about my own shit and feelings of Failure, so I could not in good conscience drag The Sisterhood into this.

I suppose the only 'positive' thing that comes out of this exercise is that I'm not a Complete Failure as I'm not yet dead....

...cheery, eh?

..sent to The Primary Donor today..

"Basically what happened is Michelle promised more than she was authorized to promise. There was no 'pay off' plan. The full balance was required post surgery. *sigh*

Yesterday I was already burnt out when I got there. I had to wait about an hour before anyone saw me. That's on me cause I got there at half past noon. But when Dr. Kim came in he said that the surgeon would be there *that evening* and that's when Lil' Buddy would get sliced. I had been told only X-Rays and then the surgery on Sunday...if the X-Rays were clear.

At that point I just went “No, I don't want to do this at all.” I called Le-Le and she was willing to sign off on that. I suppose she could hear I was in Total Meltdown. But they brought in The Big Cheese, a Dr. Annan [I think], the Indian owner of the clinic. He's a pushy fuck. He was like, “At least do the X-Ray.” So I said 'fine'.

Then came the final piece of the clusterfuck; I was told that the Leg Fund can 'only' be used for the surgery and nothing else. A 'legal issue'. I was so fucking fried at this point I forgot that $180 of that is OUR MONEY and we can use however the fuck we want to. That didn't dawn on me until I had been back home for over an hour. Oy...

I need to chill out for a few days so I don't keep fucking up. And really need to connect to my case worker Monday so I get my Oct SSI $'s.

...and there you have it. =/ "